These may or may not be the three choices you have available today. The protein bar review section has officially been rid of its experimental tag and is now replaced with the “dirt bar” tag. So welcome! Can you guess which one of these is dirt, dirt lite, and dirt free? I’ll give you a hint: I only at one of them by the time of writing this review, so they’re all probably either dirt lite or dirt free.
- Dirt (90% - 100%)
- Dirt Free (80% - 90%)
- Diet Dirt (70% - 80%)
Please note that dirt free does not mean free of dirt, just like Pepsi Free does not mean free of Pepsi. Without any further ado, let us go forward and eat these dirty protein bars!
- Clif Builder’s Protein Bar Peanut Butter
I wanted to try this one out first. It’s big and thick and the packaging excites me. Look at it! Big! Tough! Manly! Thick! This one has the biggest chance of being dirt too. So let’s taste it and see if our prediction comes true.
Do you know why I added the dirt, dirt free, and diet dirt features into this post? That’s because when I first tasted it, I wanted to call it dirt lite. This thing tastes like somebody took a bar of concrete and played around with it on Photoshop. And by Photoshop, I mean Worldshop. From there, they changed the softness so people could actually eat it, and they changed the taste to 87.5% dirt, 12.5% peanut butter. And that’s exactly what I’m assigning this.
Make no mistake, this really tastes like dirt dirt and more dirt. However, I didn’t just call it dirt in my imagining of this review, but instead chose to call it dirt lite before I figured out that lite is really only reserved for beers or something. It’s not dirt. The powerCrunch bar was dirt. This is just that isn’t piled on too thickly, so you can’t taste all of the dirt in the bar.
It’s a difficult concept to explain, but pretend visibility was like taste. The dirt in this bar would be at 87.5% alpha. The rest is just.. empty space. It doesn’t have a flavor of it’s own, it’s just a filler for the small amount of flavor the dirt is missing. Perhaps that what Mr. Worldshop editor person did. They took a bar of concrete, made it soft, and added dirt at an alpha of 87.5%.
So I’ve mentioned 87.5% in this review many times for a reason, and I think you can understand why. If not, you’re about to find out from this next sentence which I’m going to type:
Dirt Percentage: 87.5%
DIRT FREE (80% - 90% dirt)
- thinkThin Creamy Peanut Butter High Protein Bar
I had to choose between this creamy peanut butter flavor and the chunky peanut butter flavor. The design of this one also interested me, as it bears a close resemblance to the powerCrunch Protein Energy Bar, which you may remember as tasting the most like dirt in last review. This clean, simple design may spell out trouble for me… or rather, somebody that doesn’t like protein bars tasting like dirt. So here we go.
Wow, I can’t decide the dirt percentage on this one. It’s definitely worse than the Builder’s bar, that’s for sure. By worse, of course I mean IT TASTES MORE LIKE DIRT. I want to rate this 92.5%, but I can’t because this is actually better than the powerCrunch bar, but only slightly. Actually, no it’s not. Yes it is. I can’t tell whether this bar deserves a 90% or a 92.5%. I’m thinking I should go change the powerCrunch percentage, because thinking back on it it’s far too low for the crap it put me through.
This bar is made of 80%, but not 20% peanut butter. No. They put some sort of.. lower alpha “dirt lite” like thing to replace some of the peanut butter. And that dirt lite still makes an enormous difference in flavor. I’d say it covers around 11.25% of the bar. Seem too specific? It’s a compromise between the 90% ranking that is higher than the Builder’s bar but still too low, and the 92.5% ranking that matches the powerCrunch, which is slightly more dirt-like than this.
Before this bar makes me change my mind again (it’s much worse after eating it than before eating it) I say this bar deserves:
DIRT PERCENTAGE: 91.25%
DIRT (90% - 100% dirt)
- Balance Bar Gold Caramel Nut Blast
This is the one bar that is different from every other bar… or the two bars in this section, anyway. It’s smaller than the other bars, it’s not explicitly peanut butter, and it only has 14 grams of protein as opposed to the 20 grams of protein the others have. Will this make it taste less like dirt, or is the protein proportionate to the bar?
…Yeah, the latter is correct. This thing tastes exactly like the Builder’s bar does, only smaller and with a different texture. Still, the dirt percentage is the same. Well, the base dirt percentage is the same. But remember that texture significantly affects taste. The Builders bar had a more dirt-like texture than the slightly more cream-like texture of this bar. And so, this bar happens to be a little lighter on the dirt than all the others, but not by much.
If anything, this just tastes like 85% dirt and 15% protein bar. Not peanut butter, and especially not peanut butter. So it’s bizarre it’s the lowest dirt percentage of all these bars where it doesn’t even have any outside flavors. Perhaps it’s taking a normal peanut butter and caramel bar and adding dirt at an alpha of 85%? The world may never know. But that’s all irrelevant now. I have my dirt percentage already, and it is:
Dirt Percentage: 85%
DIRT FREE (80% - 90% dirt)
So thank you for sticking around for this three day, three bar exposition!