100 Point Zero Percent

Two bars suspended in a dark void. Which one of these will destroy the universe?

Builder’s 20g Protein Bar Chocolate Peanut Butter

This protein bar isn’t so bad. Like many others, I actually enjoyed eating it. In fact, maybe it was the long hiatus, but I really can’t seem to find a decent dirt percentage for this. It’s got all the flavor of dirt, and none of the actual dirt. It has this strange, smoky taste that I enjoy.

Last time I had a Builder’s bar, you may remember I gave it a 87.5% dirt rating. This time, I’m happy to only give it:

Dirt Percentage: 60%

PowerCrunch Protein Energy Bar Peanut Butter Crunch

From “Wikipedia”:

“Absolute dirt is a concept of dirt percentage that postulates the existence of a highest attainable dirt percentage of protein bars. The idea has been popularized by the Tumblr blog 100 Point Zero Percent.^[1][2] In this presentation, absolute dirt is assumed to be the high end of a dirt percentage scale starting at absolute flavor, which is the dirt percentage at which bad flavor is minimized and classical dirt taste is zero.

Current taste models postulate that the highest possible dirt percentage is the PowerCrunch dirt percentage, which has the value 1.416785(71)×10^⁴⁵⁹% dirt.^[3] The PowerCrunch dirt percentage is assumed to be the highest dirt percentage in conventional taste because conventional taste breaks down at that dirt percentage  Our universe has actually gone through the PowerCrunch dirt percentage before. About 10^^-42 seconds after the owner of the blog 100 Point Zero Percent tasted the PowerCrunch Protein Energy Bar Peanut Butter Crunch, our universe went through such an increase of bad flavor that the dirt percentage skyrocketed.^[3] Above ~10^⁴⁵⁹% dirt, the dirt taste becomes so large that there is no existing scientific theory for the behavior of protein bars at these energies. Disgusting forces between them would become as strong as other fundamental forces, requiring a hypothetical theory of everything for description.^[4]”

There you go. I couldn’t even finish this bar, that’s how bad it was. I’m sure that if you tasted dirt it would have SOME flavor. How this manages to only have 13 grams of protein simply astounds me. Wait a minute, 13 grams of protein? In a bar that only weighs 40 grams? Why do those numbers sound familiar? Let’s look up some information on the internet…

The amount of protein in flavorless dirt is known to be logarithmically proportional to the compression of the dirt flavor. As the density of dirt flavor increases, the amount of protein approaches 325g protein/1kg of dirt.

325g protein/1kg of dirt, hm? Let’s convert that into grams of dirt.

13g protein/40g dirt.

Wow.

Dirt Percentage: 1.416785(71) x 10^459% dirt.

Created a series of .gifs to enlighten us all using a section of an Everybody Loves Raymond episode. Perhaps it will keep you entertained until the next update.

Welcome to what is probably the final part of the dirt bar series! This is Part 3, where we have officially run out of ideas and started testing crap that can’t even qualify as a protein bar. But fear not. For there will be many surprises, and eventually it will all lead up to the grand finale: the 31g protein PURE PROTEIN bar. My body self-destructs so your does not have to! Let us get this moving.

• Tiger’s Milk Bars Nutrition Bar King Size Peanut Butter

This is a sure sign that I am running out of ideas, since this isn’t even a protein bar. Tiger’s Milk contains 9 grams of protein, which is enough for me to qualify it as a protein bar but it’s labeled as a nutrition bar. Thus, when I am counting the final results of this dirt bar test, I cannot in good faith include this set of results.

The best reason I can’t include the results for this bar is that it’s a clear outlier. 9 grams of protein is clearly nothing as this bar actually tastes somewhat like peanut butter. No, it tastes exactly like peanut butter. It’s extremely surprising for a bar with protein, but I guess that’s what you get from a bar with protein… barely any protein. After all those dirty dirty bars, it’s almost heavenly to eat this.

Aside from achieving Enlightenment while eating this, it still tastes a small bit like dirt. This may be because peanut butter, like certain other foods which I will explain later, has the faintest taste of dullness, which can be mistaken for the taste of dirt. Still, this bar tastes noticeably different than real peanut butter, which leads to a small but existent percentage of dirt.

Dirt Percentage: 15%

• Greens+ Protein Bar Peanut Butter and Chocolate

This simple bar has 16g of protein, a fair middle ground between the Pure Protein and the Tiger Milk bars. It’s probably vegan or vegetarian or healthy or something, but that’s not why we are here. We are here to rate the dirt percentage of the Greens protein bar.

…Oh. Oh my…

The bar is green. THE BAR IS GREEN. THE BAR! IS! GREEN! No, the outside of the bar is not green. The inside of the bar is… well… GREEN. And as for the dirt percentage?

Well, it was… uh… I can’t.. I can’t.. uhh…

Well, I sent it to the official 100PZP scientists to try to find the exact dirt percentage. I’m getting a call right now about them, so let me just answer the phone and find out the results.

What? WHAT? OH GOD! HOW!? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?… BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! ARGH! NO! WHYYYY…

Alright, I.. I have to take care of some stuff. I will get back to you… tomorrow.

EDIT: Sorry the funerals of everybody involved in the Greens+ Incident took so long. Out of respect for the scientists, I will publish the remains of their results.

As you can see, we expected the Greens+ bar to have a 95% or even 100% dirt percentage. But this… this otherworldly creature. It tastes so much like dirt… the universe…

Oh god, I’m starting to get flashbacks of that incident. Never again. Never again.

Dirt Percentage: 5.0 x 10^150 (5E150)%

• Pure Protein High Protein Peanut Butter Bar

After that Greens+ bar incident, I needed something. Anything. Just something. This bar full of protein has 31 grams of protein, enough that eating two of these automatically makes all your digestive organs explode. I’m not even planning to finish this monstrosity of a bar because it has far too much protein for me to safely eat it. I fear with this much protein, it will taste like the Greens+ bar… squared.

And we taste.

It’s… it’s not bad. I’ve tasted worse. Honestly, I just want to finish this review. It’s a very average bar. It tastes a lot like that Promax bar, but definitely with more dirt. It’s right in the center of things, right in the average of most bars. I’m sort of disappointed, but I like the average balance. It gives the bar flavor. And now, to end this review, I announce this bar is…

Dirt Percentage: 80%

So I’ve been running the YTTM feature for a long time now, and I feel as if I’ve built up enough words to create a word cloud, courtesy of wordle.net

So here it is:

(Click for full-sized version)

A couple of points I would like to make here:

1. The word commercial is much bigger than both the words advertisements and advertisement. This is a caveat I regret, since we all know that I do not always show commercials for my feature. The feature… that is called YTTM ads. Yeah. Feel free to facepalm. To be fair, the two are almost interchangeable. Also to be fair, “almost” is a very strong word.
2. This word cloud makes me think I should switch Ads in 1971 to the new format. Why? It’s not hard to find the words Musterole, Queen, Isabella, and Columbus in this word cloud. Ex Uno Plures really contributed a lot to this list. But that’s not all. You can also see cat, Nasal, protein, hormones, Saus-Os, and Pepr-Os in there. I’d call this a triumph.
3. Aside from Ex Uno Plures, you can see “Sanders” from the first Ads in 1971, “balloons” from the first Ads in 1969, drug-laced and drugs from the drug-laced 4th of July special, and other little remains from features where I happened to use a certain word a lot (Pepsi, prisoner, Butterfingers, Deion, GLH…)
4. I like how the word ad is found inside commercial. Why the heck is ad so small!? I probably only used it in the beginning posts. I didn’t include the titles of the posts in this word cloud, so that must have hurt ad’s size. Same thing goes for YTTM.
5. Apparently, apparently. Apparently apparently Apparently apparently Apparently apparently apparently. I can totally justify my use of the word apparently so much when talking about old ads for the same reason newspapers justify their usage of the word “allegedly”. You’ll figure it out eventually.
6. But in case you don’t, it’s because these ads are FREAKING INSANE! They require so many leaps in logic to understand, all you can do is shift uncomfortably and preface your sentences with apparently.
7. Why is like the second biggest word!? I don’t use it that much… do I?
8. I wonder what I would get if I took a word cloud of this post… it’s something to think about, isn’t it?

Since school has started, I have not gotten to update this Tumblr. I probably will run another protein bar feature once I get the chance to go buy some again, but that won’t happen for a while. So bear with me here. I leave you for a week or so with these words:

Since school has started, I have not gotten to update this Tumblr. I probably will run another protein bar feature once I get the chance to go buy some again, but that won’t happen for a while. So bear with me here. I leave you for a week or so with these words:

As I am in Canadia right now, I will be taking a short hiatus for the few days that I am here, since I have better things to do on vacation than update this blog. You likely don’t care about my experiences on vacation in Canadia, especially since my anecdote post was a giant disaster that I never released. So… there we go. Nothing left to say. The end.

These may or may not be the three choices you have available today. The protein bar review section has officially been rid of its experimental tag and is now replaced with the “dirt bar” tag. So welcome! Can you guess which one of these is dirt, dirt lite, and dirt free? I’ll give you a hint: I only at one of them by the time of writing this review, so they’re all probably either dirt lite or dirt free.

• Dirt (90% - 100%)
• Dirt Free (80% - 90%)
• Diet Dirt (70% - 80%)

Please note that dirt free does not mean free of dirt, just like Pepsi Free does not mean free of Pepsi. Without any further ado, let us go forward and eat these dirty protein bars!

• Clif Builder’s Protein Bar Peanut Butter

I wanted to try this one out first. It’s big and thick and the packaging excites me. Look at it! Big! Tough! Manly! Thick! This one has the biggest chance of being dirt too. So let’s taste it and see if our prediction comes true.

Do you know why I added the dirt, dirt free, and diet dirt features into this post? That’s because when I first tasted it, I wanted to call it dirt lite. This thing tastes like somebody took a bar of concrete and played around with it on Photoshop. And by Photoshop, I mean Worldshop. From there, they changed the softness so people could actually eat it, and they changed the taste to 87.5% dirt, 12.5% peanut butter. And that’s exactly what I’m assigning this.

Make no mistake, this really tastes like dirt dirt and more dirt. However, I didn’t just call it dirt in my imagining of this review, but instead chose to call it dirt lite before I figured out that lite is really only reserved for beers or something. It’s not dirt. The powerCrunch bar was dirt. This is just that isn’t piled on too thickly, so you can’t taste all of the dirt in the bar.

It’s a difficult concept to explain, but pretend visibility was like taste. The dirt in this bar would be at 87.5% alpha. The rest is just.. empty space. It doesn’t have a flavor of it’s own, it’s just a filler for the small amount of flavor the dirt is missing. Perhaps that what Mr. Worldshop editor person did. They took a bar of concrete, made it soft, and added dirt at an alpha of 87.5%.

So I’ve mentioned 87.5% in this review many times for a reason, and I think you can understand why. If not, you’re about to find out from this next sentence which I’m going to type:

Dirt Percentage: 87.5%

DIRT FREE (80% - 90% dirt)

• thinkThin Creamy Peanut Butter High Protein Bar

I had to choose between this creamy peanut butter flavor and the chunky peanut butter flavor. The design of this one also interested me, as it bears a close resemblance to the powerCrunch Protein Energy Bar, which you may remember as tasting the most like dirt in last review. This clean, simple design may spell out trouble for me… or rather, somebody that doesn’t like protein bars tasting like dirt. So here we go.

Wow, I can’t decide the dirt percentage on this one. It’s definitely worse than the Builder’s bar, that’s for sure. By worse, of course I mean IT TASTES MORE LIKE DIRT. I want to rate this 92.5%, but I can’t because this is actually better than the powerCrunch bar, but only slightly. Actually, no it’s not. Yes it is. I can’t tell whether this bar deserves a 90% or a 92.5%. I’m thinking I should go change the powerCrunch percentage, because thinking back on it it’s far too low for the crap it put me through.

This bar is made of 80%, but not 20% peanut butter. No. They put some sort of.. lower alpha “dirt lite” like thing to replace some of the peanut butter. And that dirt lite still makes an enormous difference in flavor. I’d say it covers around 11.25% of the bar. Seem too specific? It’s a compromise between the 90% ranking that is higher than the Builder’s bar but still too low, and the 92.5% ranking that matches the powerCrunch, which is slightly more dirt-like than this.

Before this bar makes me change my mind again (it’s much worse after eating it than before eating it) I say this bar deserves:

DIRT PERCENTAGE: 91.25%

DIRT (90% - 100% dirt)

• Balance Bar Gold Caramel Nut Blast

This is the one bar that is different from every other bar… or the two bars in this section, anyway. It’s smaller than the other bars, it’s not explicitly peanut butter, and it only has 14 grams of protein as opposed to the 20 grams of protein the others have. Will this make it taste less like dirt, or is the protein proportionate to the bar?

…Yeah, the latter is correct. This thing tastes exactly like the Builder’s bar does, only smaller and with a different texture. Still, the dirt percentage is the same. Well, the base dirt percentage is the same. But remember that texture significantly affects taste. The Builders bar had a more dirt-like texture than the slightly more cream-like texture of this bar. And so, this bar happens to be a little lighter on the dirt than all the others, but not by much.

If anything, this just tastes like 85% dirt and 15% protein bar. Not peanut butter, and especially not peanut butter. So it’s bizarre it’s the lowest dirt percentage of all these bars where it doesn’t even have any outside flavors. Perhaps it’s taking a normal peanut butter and caramel bar and adding dirt at an alpha of 85%? The world may never know. But that’s all irrelevant now. I have my dirt percentage already, and it is:

Dirt Percentage: 85%

DIRT FREE (80% - 90% dirt)

So thank you for sticking around for this three day, three bar exposition!

What a scandalous image to start this post with! Is that from an advertisement in 1969? It is, isn’t it!? Oh, I do want to know so badly!

Have no fear, hypothetical complainer! We will discover what this image means in a couple of advertisements. For now, welcome. Once again, we’re covering 1969’s ads. I didn’t actually have enough content from 1969 do to a full post, so you get this half post from me. I overestimated the amount of usable content 1969 had badly. Ah well, we’re still covering it.

So let’s focus once again on 1969, where ads transcended all standards, rape statistics were relatively low, and hypersexuality infested all advertisements. Yes, hypersexuality, the addition to sex, seems to have its place in the minds of the ones who create the advertisements. And it manages to show itself in the ads that they make.

So get ready to see some advertisements that will make you laugh, cry, care about the shape of your girlfriend’s breasts, and see nudity!

• WonderBra

Click here to care about the shape you’re in!

I have, at times, written bad material and had to wipe it out (see the last YTTM feature’s Menthol Shaving rubbish ad, where I mistakenly believed the man featured in the commercial was supposed to have been the inventory of that Menthol Shaving Cream) because I failed to go back and review advertisements to understand what is being said. But I had to turn the volume up and go back because I literally could not believe my ears. Here’s the line from the middle of the little WonderBra song.

You care about the shape you’re iiIIiin…

So does he…

So does he…

That’s right. One reason you should buy a WonderBra is because your creepy pervert boyfriend, who will likely rape you eventually, cares about the shape and size of your breasts! With a sales pitch like that, who can resist? Of course, there might be some problems, one being that your creepy boyfriend only wants to use you for sex and only cares about the shape of your breasts. Buy a WonderBra so your boyfriend will not dump you!

I’m waiting for the feminists to show up and tear this one to pieces, to be honest. I don’t know how they didn’t get here already, maybe feminists are statistically less likely to look at old advertisements from 1969. Maybe they would burn their WonderBras?

Read More...

You know, it’s anticlimactic to have bought 2 crates of San Pellegrino and candles and matches and stuff just to have this hurricane be nothing more than a downpour and a windy morning. We even put duct tape on all of our windows for some reason. Many other areas got hit hard (South Carolina, for example) but New York seems to have avoided most of the chaos.

Perhaps I just live in a hurricane-safe area. Most of Manhattan got their power shut off, and Facebook tells me a fair amount of people are experiencing real side effects from the hurricane. A tree just fell near my house! My basement has a minimal amount of flooding! It’s… weak, isn’t it?

I guess I should be glad that few were hurt because of the hurricane. Still, I wanted to experience a hurricane. I wanted to live through the action! I guess safety is a fair trade for thrills, but come on. After all that hype about New York being attacked by the hurricane, what I saw was at 5:30 AM, I wake up and there’s a downpour. Nothing major. The sun quickly goes up and the rain starts to die out. Then Irene finally reaches New York, but it is now downgraded to a tropical storm and is no longer exciting.

Do I wish that this storm was more powerful so more people would die? No. Do I wish that this storm was more powerful so it would be more thrilling? A little, yes. Since now all I’m stuck with is watching my door occasionally fly open from the wind. Eh.

EDIT: Oh ho ho. This may be promising. Wind speeds are rising. Could the real storm be beginning? We shall see.

So I live in New York, where there’s a fair amount of danger from Hurricane Irene. While I do live in an area that’s white in Bloomberg’s little map of NYC (different colors denote which category hurricane could cause major flooding in areas that are colored with that… color, and white means there is little to no risk of flooding) I can use this hurricane thing as an excuse to get worried and not write the next Ads in 1969.

Alright, I really do want to make the second part of Ads in 1969. My problem is I looked at the large amount of advertisements and assumed I would have lots of material to write about. Turns out everything after the ads I covered was either not interesting enough to cover or a promo for some 1969 TV show which doesn’t fit inside my scope (these two are not mutually exclusive).

But instead, I will use the upcoming hurricane as an excuse to not do the YTTM feature until much much later. Wait, what do you mean it’s not coming until late Saturday to Sunday? But that gives me enough time to do YTTM features! Ah well. Instead let me treat you to this tiger about to die from walking in a tar pit.

Clockwise from top left: “I knew all this knowledge was a trap by the evil smart people to enslave me in a tar pit!” “I’m meltiiing! MELTIIIIING! NOOOOooooo….” “You know, even if this tar pit allows me to walk on the ceiling, it’s still not worth dying” “Little did they know that the Gulf of Mexico oil spill (woo outdated references!) was a tar pit designed to enslave the tiger god!”

Good night, everybody!